Silver Creek Musings

And it is at an end

2011-12-19T16:15:00.003-05:00

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.
Henry David Thoreau

Snow

I am done the semester and did fairly well, but did not reach my goal of all A’s, close, but not quite.

American Literature, A,
Canadian Historical Art, A,
Aboriginal Literatures, B +

I am moving up but still have trouble with sentence structure and syntax.
All my Profs say that my arguments for my papers are really strong. Actually, Aboriginal Lit Prof said IF I was a stronger writer I would be an A+ student, and she sent me some links to help me achieve this, and said she would help me anytime on anything! HOW did I get so lucky? I have met some awesome people who have offered to do what they can to help me! I even convinced one Prof of what I was arguing in my Poe Paper. I just about fell over on that one, because he is a hard man to change his views or mind, especially when he said straight out, “Write the f**king paper Sharon, but I warn you I don’t agree with where you are coming from. BUT all you have to do is argue and support it, and you will get a good mark.” BUT now he is learning towards my point of view! YES! YES He admitted it in writing!

We have had some good literary arguments this semester that ended up with me ticked at him, because he constantly plays devil’s advocate...he should have been a lawyer. However, I end up laughing. Grant you there were times I sat in his office after lectures and just listen, the man is so knowledgeable! I usually asked a lot of questions, and this added to the experience of what I thought was going to be a dry class. But it was far from it! These arguments or discussions made me think, he had me doing extra readings to get in the extra thought and knowledge of some of the theories of the times. I learned so much about early America and how it developed, and I have read lots of Henry David Thoreau lately! Transcendentalism was a huge influence to many authors. AND some here in Canada

Hearts on Sherbrooke

BUT this grammar issue is a huge frustration for me! I can’t for the life of me figure out why I have no clue about the mechanics of Grammar. YEAH! YEAH! I know I have improved 100 percent but there is still issues that drive me to drink! I went to school, I graduated, and yet I look at a sentence and sometimes cannot figure out what is wrong with it. I know I am not alone. BUT this makes me pull at my hair in frustration. I feel so stupid at times and feel like the school system failed me at some point! I sit there sometimes and look at my papers, and say I have NO CLUE! I know academic grammar has to be flawless. I am not even sure I can achieve this. SO this summer I may not take a summer course and just work on studying Grammar. I have a tutor, but I need someone more, who has this grasp...I hope I can get one of my helpful Profs to answer my questions! I wish I could take a class or find a class; it doesn’t seem to be out there at all! Parallel structures, verb tense agreements, number agreements, and some of it is just sloppy editing skills, I still have to fine a way for me to correct with a list! I find this stuff difficult; especially when they say the sentence is awkward, because it sounds good to me. EVEN after it is marked I have to go and ask WHY?

I need to pray to the Grammar GODS!

Next semester I am looking forward to quite a bit. I am taking Literary Theory. I looked at the books and we are to look at: Some Ghost stories, Horror Stories (Classic’s of course, so more Poe, possibly Shelley, and a few others) plus a text book in Lit Theory! I see I really need this class for my papers. So I am thrilled to be getting the Prof I am told is the “good” one, I had friends that took it this semester with another Professor and they hated the class, the Prof was awful!

The next class is Intro to the Novel...now this class in the last few weeks has been interesting. I was in my University Class site and saw that the class Instructor had been changed from one Professor to another Professor. I met this Prof last year, and he introduced himself as Matt. NO Clue who he was until my American lit Prof told me. They share an office. AND I am thrilled about the change; he is such a nice man to chat with. I have met him all over campus and chatted with him about his twin 9 yr old boys and different things! Although last week, I was back on the site and it had reverted back to the original Prof. WHO I have heard about lately from other students and more than one is a BIG JERK! SO I quickly emailed the English Department and asked what is up. It is still Matt teaching the course. Apparently Web CT had issues and reverted back to an older file. MY biggest reason for being happy with Matt is I don’t have to read Charles Dickens...I am not a huge fan. Bores me to tears! But I am reading Moll Flanders (read that Last year) Frankenstein, and Norris’s McTeague...Finally something new and that I have never heard of before!

Miranda and I being Silly in Downtown Montreal!

My last class will be French Impressionism in Art Histoy! With the Prof in Art History that I have been with the longest at CU, I have taken 5 classes with this man, a big Santa of a man and so funny! I am almost done in this department. AND honestly I can’t wait. It has gotten so bad there I don’t want anything to do with the snobbery or the internal politics’ in the department. It is so small that this is constant. SICK OF IT. A friend of mine, who was going to do a Masters, has decided not too and changed his classes to the Humanities!

I have some electives to finish up and my advisor asked me to pick a minor, and I think it will be in History. I have talked to my Mentor and he said he had to think about it. His first reaction was History because I am always asking what is going on to influence their writing. Then he said Gender Studies, because I always ended up talking about these issues in my papers. I asked about Religion, he said he had done a minor in Religion and although it is useful, I have a good grounding in that. I have also talked to a number of Students in the English department and they say this is a good compliment to English, and Art History. SO next fall I will start with one course and see how I like it and go from there, unless they offer something awesome in the spring.

Miranda on stage

Miranda is ending her 3 years at Concordia this spring. She will have her BFA In Theatre and minor in English. We got to go to Montreal to see her in her first Production in a long time. It was AWESOME! It was Called Witchcraft and she play one of the female leads, Violet! She is a awesome Actor! She is thinking about doing her MFA, but we shall see what happens!

The cast of Witchcraft

So there is my University Update and a short family one... I am enjoying the break, because I really worked my ass off this semester. BUT I am exhausted.

Happy holidays everyone.

Photo Bits and Quick Bits

2011-10-04T14:44:00.007-04:00

Class does not compete with trash; and Hunny you are not the trash! Allen Ley

A friend of mine said this to me when I really needed it, and I keep it as a way to feel good! Thanks Allen!

BUT....

Fall is upon us....

I am back in full swing at school! Received my 1st A in American Literature. What a nice way to start the semester.

Nathan is now taking Karate, and is loving it, and I am loving it too! Doesn't he look Fab in his Gii!

But with fall comes changes.

Seasonal changes, mood changes, life style changes. A number of my friends are making major changes in their lives. I think hard ones. I think about them and send them good thoughts and positive vibes, prayers. My Life is fine, no need to make changes.

Some are having health issues, and although my blood pressure is high, these issues seem more substantial. I send them my positive thoughts and prayers too.

So back to work. Not much time to write a full blog, but I wanted to share some photos I took on a work break.

Back to the Grind

2011-09-13T08:10:00.006-04:00

“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

But it really isn't a grind...

Since I started this University thing, four years ago, I have discovered many things about myself. I am able to do this, maybe not as fast as the younger set, but I hold my own. I enjoy doing this. NO, I love doing this. I am passionate about English and love discussing the books that I read. Although, I do have responsibilities to my family, which sometimes get in the way, I will spend every possible waking moment in doing what needs to be done to improve myself, encourage myself, and make myself stronger in my writing ability and in seraching out the themse or devices that are used in the works. I only control the path I take but not what happens along the way so this is one heck of an adventure.

I got up this morning and before I had my first cup of coffee drank; I was researching my second paper of the term. I have my first paper in the final stages and to be handed in tomorrow. Yes, the GEEK that I am started a paper before classes started. I never would have done that 20 odd years ago!

However, I am back at it. Therefore, this blog as you all well know, will be going on Hiatus for a while, while I research the 5 papers I have this term; 3 for American Literatures, one for Aboriginal Literatures and one for Canadian Historical Art and just plain juggling family life, household chores, and Supreme Chaos! Although at times I will feel I am losing it, I will get through it and love most of it! I might post the odd photo, but that is about it, no time for deep musings.

So check back once and while to see if I have posted, but do not hold your breath. I will be busy...maybe I will post my first A paper here...one never knows.

Have a great Fall!

The Summer that came and went!

2011-09-07T10:23:00.007-04:00

“What appears to be the end may really be a new beginning.” Anonymous

Man, has it been one busy summer!

Nathan’s tutoring is over and he is back in school, and taking Karate! Miranda started yesterday; her last year of University, WOW seems like yesterday she was just moving to Montreal and starting at Concordia. Tomorrow, I start back with a 3-hour lecture in Canadian Historical Art, and then Friday, Studies in Aboriginal Literature, and American Literature up until 1835. I think it is going to be an interesting semester.

A friend of mine asked me last week to come over and take a picture of a field she had planted, just birdseed, which are mostly Sunflower seeds. Up grew this amazing field of sunflowers! She was looking for a natural way to keep the geese out of the hayfields that come through, land in her fields, and destroy the grass in the fall. She is not sure that this is going to work but I think it is a great idea try. Plus she can look out her window and see this cheerful mass of yellow. I will let you know how it turns out. It is right along highway 148, just outside of Thurso heading to Montreal. People just have to stop! To take pictures because it is just a huge mass of yellow! It is very beautiful.

My friend, Barb, is a huge supporter of the Relay for Life. She has a team and participates every year. And so she put up a sign that says, “Pick your own sunflowers and just leave a good will donation in the box for my Relay for life team” And you know what? People are! They stop, pick, and take pictures and leave a donation. Talk about a wonderful idea!

Now isn't this a great idea and a great way to end the summer?

The Sum of all Parts

2011-08-06T17:18:00.001-04:00

I was asked to contribute to discussion group about aging in our 40’s.... Honestly, this is hard to accept, but I like who I am and here is what I wrote...

The Old Lady in the Mirror or the Sum of all Parts

Good idea, good thing to quote, there are many parts that make up the sum of the equation that make us, well us, or women. I agree with what Marie has to say, there is more to us than what we see in the mirror, I am going to give you my limited experience, which means I can only talk about me, how others perceive me is their problem. I can’t change their views or opinions so I can’t talk about others, well, because I am not them and their experience is different.

To each of us the idea of aging comes differently and we all deal with it differently, which is why talking about it is mostly a good thing. I am not going to be blessed enough to look like my mother, who is a natural beauty and never had prematurely greying hair. BUT Is there anything wrong with the box of dye I use to colour my hair? I don’t think so, it just a part of the sum, a small part of the equation. I need that box of dye to aid me in working on my inner self and YES I having trouble dealing with aging...you're damn right, not ashamed to admit it! If this box of dye makes me, feel better in some small superficial way...then by the God’s! I am going to do it. Yes, I do try to look younger, feel younger, (and I don’t feel a day over 30) and yes I have no control over my aging body unless I take it to the “BODY SHOP” and have a nip, tuck and lift overhaul! That is not going to happen. The jowls are going to happen, the my crone face will appear, but Crone is a harsh word, and has bad connotations, so I will say , the face of wisdom and a well living life, will appear, but for now I will dye my hair, get my nails done and try every skin cream out there! Does that make me a cop out, and a bad example? No, I do not think so. I still do not wear more than eye makeup; I do not sleep in socks with petroleum jelly on my feet. I will look after myself as much as I can, with my box of dye on my hair! Until I am ready to set that aside and feel confident to be my well lived self. Most importantly, it makes me feel good about the outside of me, which will go through to the inner me, then so be it, but it is a small part of the sum. But if some feel the sum of who they are needs a nip and a tuck...then who am I to judge. Go to her girlfriend! If this aids in working on the inside, by taking the mind off the outside, do it!

Now in saying all of the above, I would not want to be young again. I like who I have become and becoming. I am stronger woman in so many ways. I take no shit from no one. I say what I have to, to be heard. I do not dress to please others; I dress for me, to make me feel confident and sexy. In that way, I am being ME. BUT the Confidence is what I need more than the sexy. I want to be that woman who people notice and are not sure why, and it is not that I am sexy or all that good looking to others, it is that confidence that they see and feel emanating from me. THIS is what I want younger woman to notice about me and yes men too...both need to learn what an older woman has to offer and can make others notice. So the answer to this equation is Confidence which emulates from the inside rules! And others will see this above the hair dye and the nip tuck. Yes, I am still on the superficial as some may call it...but our outside is part of the sum.

Now I will tell you another story, another part of the equation that adds up to my total sum. 4 years ago I walked into University for the first time in my life. Scared! I had no clue if this was right for me...but I do have a group of women friends who supported and still support me in this endeavour. I could not have done this without them, my family, and the Professors, that knew damn well how unsure of myself to be there. Or maybe they could see it, I don't know. Going back to University, I think this is confidence building for me. In this way, I am working on the inner me, my mind, forcing me to deal with myself worth on my own terms. I had to deal with looking at all these smart and beautiful young women, and feel, well OLD, so out of place and not very smart. I remember thinking...OMG what have I done to myself, I don't belong here!!! At the time I thought it was the worse thing I could have done for my self-esteem. But as I grew and worked, and struggled with relearning to learn, BOY had things changed since I was last in school! Learning it was ok to be me, and ask for help, started to see who I was and who I was becoming was not so bad, to find that confidence within. The young people saw that confidence, and wanted to know what I had to say, asked questions, some you will not believe and others I have had to set straight, well with my experience. I enjoy hearing their view points and how they are different from whom I was at that age, but their experience is different from mine. They do come looking for me, wanting to take classes with me. And it is confidence building and enlightening to see so many view points. Some good, some well....

Where am I going with all these sums? Well, they are all sums that add up to the one equation that is me. Yes, most days I look in the mirror and go WHO THE HELL IS THAT? When did she arrive and how can I get rid of her, but what I am looking at is the sum of the outside, and I have to remember the inside. That is the part I like. Even though there is some more work to do too but I am constantly creating myself, and I quote George Bernard Shaw “You use a glass mirror to see your face; you use works of art to see your soul”. I will keep creating the art of my inside and use the mirror to see if I succeed in being, happy with whom I am now, for tomorrow I will change and grow yet again with my hair dye in the closet waiting for the next touch up.

Summer For ME!

2011-07-20T13:39:00.003-04:00

Sorry it took so long to update, but life is never simple, boring, but always crazy!

Summer for me!

Have a Martini or two with me!

(don’t you love my new martini glasses!)

It is finally summer vacation for me! I have never been so glad to see it since I started back on this University thing.

First things first!

I did not do as well as I would like in German. Let’s say I passed, but way below my standards. TOO fast, to learn a language I knew nothing about, and others in the class did! I am wondering if next year I will take anything in May/June. Just start my summer and read everything I want, with some direction of course, well I say that now but I may just have to take that course that looks interesting!

Nathan finished the school year not so great. What blew me away was not a word from the school or the teacher. Not he did not fail his year, but he failed, just failed a couple of things.I am SICK and tired of a school that refuses to listen to and communicate with us! They keep telling me he is doing fine, but this is not true, not when his self-esteem was at an all time low. It more than grades, it is how he feels about his own progress. He cried when he saw his report card. This ticks a mother off. I was told over and over to have him tested for ADD. The teacher sing the same old song and dance, he must have ADD. BUT What we have learned that he is a Concrete or Tactile learner so he needs to see or touch things to understand. This shows me why he can sit for hours and build Lego. He is disorganized when he has no clue how to start. Visual Learners need to watch the teacher to learn, see the face and hear the words. Auditory learners need to hear first and can understand in this way. Tactile learners need to have a picture to learn. Words even if they understand them are abstract and confuse them. Now this is very simplified, but it fits my child to a T! They move more when they are frustrated, and refuse to start for fear of making a mistake and not being able to organize their thoughts.

So we went to Oxford Learning Centres...and had him tested, this is the results they came up with, with little or no information about my child. He is not ADD, he is concrete learner and in some school systems, this is marked as disorganized, and not able to write because it is abstract thought and the biggest problem with this style is being confident enough to begin. Nathan has tested at a grade 6 reading level, but he writes at below a grade level. Abstract thought. He will get high marks in subjects like geometry, graphing, anything that he can see, and do. Word problems will confuse him, too much information. Math in same area’s where it is abstract is at a grade 2 level but in others is grade 5. We now have him in tutoring 2 days a week for the summer. I have been saying all along he is a bright boy, but is falling through the cracks in the school system. Part of me thought it was maturity, boys mature slower than girls do, and the School system is not developed for boys, and especially my boy!But we hope by the end of the summer his self- esteem will be much better and able to accept that he is allowed to make mistakes. It is all I want. Confidence to try, and try different methods to learn!

I am now into full swing of my summer reading. Re read the Sound and the Fury, and found so many things I missed the first 3 times! Faulkner seems to stand the test of time, and is so worth reading. I also just started reading Absalom, Absalom! I love it so far. I will give details when I am finished.

I should mention that my Friend Allen had to drop German and was quite sick, and is still not recovered completely. I asked one of my Favourite Prof’s, if he had some books that I could suggest to him to read. He did. He has never led me astray in my reading to date, and he certainly did not this time. Thanks Marc!

He suggested we read (I had to read them to so Allen and I could talk about them) There Eye’s Were Watching God, By Zora Neale Hurston and Death Comes for the Archbishop, by Willa Cather. Both were great, but Ms. Hurston’s book was outstanding! Give it a read...it has made my top 10 list and I know I will read this over and over again. Ms. Hurston shows the coming of age of a Black woman and her relationships through her life. But leaving that aside, it stands on its own as a Feminist text. It talks about the simple human condition, how jealously arises when others do not understand the other person. The text is written and flows in out and the narrator and the main Character Janie! Beautiful words... here is what grabbed me when I read this...

“Ships at a distance have everyman’s wish on board. For some they come in with the tide. For others they sail forever on the horizon, and never out of sight, never landing until the Watcher turns his eyes away in resignation, his dreams mocked to death by Time. That is the life of men.

Now, women forget all those things they don’t want to remember, and remember everything they don’t want to forget. The dream is the truth. They act and do things accordingly” (2)

I was hooked in the first paragraph and it never disappointed!

Now IF I had read Death Comes for the Archbishop first. I am sure I would have loved it, but after reading the above, it sort of got lost in the memory of the other book, although it is worth the time to read it too. Episodic in nature and uses what I thought was a peculiar in that it uses some of the medieval devices to makes it’s point. Vanity, Gluttony, lust, Greed, and the names mostly mean the virtue of the characters. It was good. Made me smile, although not the same impact.

Well I should stop... I have written a novel myself.

Hurston, Zora Neale, "Their Eyes Were Watching God" New York. Harper Collins. 2006. Print.

Guten Tag!

2011-05-25T16:05:00.002-04:00

Guten Tag! Ich bin Deutscher!

I guess it has been awhile since I wrote in here. But HOLY HANNA I have been busy.

Let’s get the sad news over with. Our Dog Friday has passed away. He had cancer and was too old to be operate on. He was not in pain so he lived another year after that appointment. I miss him terribly. When we went to look at the puppies the Neighbours dog had 14 years ago, he was the one who came up quietly and laid his head on my knee. Those big brown eyes had me from the get so. He was patient and quiet with the kids. Grant he never seemed to learn to leave porcupines alone. Even 2 weeks before he passed away, he had about 30. SIGH. Nathan took it the hardest, but he loved that dog as much as I did. His littermate, Max is lonely. He has never been without his brother at this side. At the end of this course, I am taking we may have to get a new dog. To keep him company.

We miss you Friday.

I finished the school year! My 3^rd in University, but who is counting! It will be awhile before I am done and have my undergrad! I have not enjoy as year as much as this one. I think I am finally finding my stride. Thanks Family for putting up with me over the last 3 years. I must have been a total bear!I'm not sure a bear anymore. I think they know now when to leave a room!

I ended the year with Grades I am happy with. An A in British Lit II. I met some wonderful young people in that class. I miss them but we are all to get together for lunch at the end of the summer. HI Jes, Elise, Amanda, and Britt (we will do coffee soon!) and Tim. Must not forget Tim!

I got an A- in Renaissance Art. LOVED that Class and the Prof. She was amazing! Met some great people there too. HI EMMA!

Received a B in my van Gogh Class. Wrote a paper that could have been so much better, BUT I spent so much time researching and getting lost in that, I forgot to budget time for editing. I suck at editing! I am learning but I am getting better!

I also ended with a B in Canadian Lit. I was disappointed in that. I worked harder in that class than any other. Mostly it was meI not quite knowing what I was looking for or what I was doing. I appreciated all the help I got from Professor Mason. She was the hardest marker I had this year. BUT I do see what she was saying. Again met some awesome People in that class, that I see socially! Hey John, Amelia, Katherine, and Allison! They are great!

Allen, last time I am listening to you! Seriously, I am enjoying the class and learning a new language. BUT Man I have to work at it! Allen makes it fun, and that is what is most important, we are having fun. I may not get an A but I will pass. The Prof is great, and is a NEW PhD in Languages. She is caring and sweet. So I will see what I get in the midterm, and move forward.

Well that’s about it for now. Time to do some Homework in German.

Guten Abend!

Let's talk Reading and Books

2011-04-29T15:50:00.003-04:00

Read, read, read. Read everything - trash, classics, good and bad, and see how they do it. Just like a carpenter who works as an apprentice and studies the master. Read! You'll absorb it. Then write. If it is good, you'll find out. If it's not, throw it out the window.” William Faulkner

I love books!

I love the look and feel of new, books, I love being in the library with rows upon rows of books! I am not sure I am a Kindle person. I know, I know, but how can you touch the cover of a book through a glass screen. Not quite the same. To me it is a tactile experience.

Since I learned to read, way back in the good ol’ days of childhood, I discovered a world that I can walk into and escape for awhile. With 4 brothers and sisters, that was heaven to me! I am the oldest so this escape was needed.

My favourites in my childhood were a number of different books, A Horse Named Joe, By Robert E. Gard. Apparently, it is a collector’s item now...I wish I had never returned that library book. I would have something now that I loved. At the time, I loved horses and this book, which I read over and over again. The Secret World of Og, by Pierre Berton, and Nancy Drew! Could not get enough of them. I read a lot when I was in grade school.

By grade 6, I would read any book, any topic, and anything! V.C. Andrews was a staple, (I have a friend who still read these books even though she tells me the author is now dead and others write her stuff) John Saul, and Sidney Sheldon. I was an advanced reader at the time and this went throughout high school. Now I could not be bothered with any of those types of books. I am getting fussy in my old age or should I say because of my education and that has changed my taste in literature immensely! When I get a new book, I feel like I am doing something just for me. Only I can read it and I will not share my books until I am sure I am done with it. NO one is going to read those words until I have read them first! I tried that with my husband once reading the same book at the same time; and it is not happening again. I want to pick up and read it at any time, not when he is done. He is the master of “just a minute dear and you can have it.” WHO KNEW... that just a minute would be 30, 40, or an hour! I would be chomping at the bit to get that book back. SO NO I will not share.

I would absorb these books but once I put the book down it was forgotten, completely left my mind. Nothing worth keeping or thinking about. Every once and while I would pick up a book to read that considered to be a classic. When I finished I would read it and think about it for days and not able to start a new one. I should have known those were the books I should have been reading. I think my first one was The Lord of the Rings, by Tolkien, well the first one I pickup on my own, and thought, People say I should read this. I still remember that book, and I think if I now re read it, I would get something very different out of it. It took me a whole year to read it. Slow going in some parts, and in others I could not get enough.

In high school, we read novels that I think were over our heads due to lack of life experience. In high school, we or most of us were wondering if the hot guy across the room had noticed us when we walked in. We read To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. I still remember that book 30 years later. At the time, I hated the book, but the reason I hated it was it stirred up a reaction in me. I never liked it when people refused to behave in a fair and rational way.

For years I read everything from Science Fiction, to Fantasy, to Arthurian Legend, to Chick Lit, but none of it was worth remembering or at least very few. I am sure I can pick a handful of books out of each category that I do remember.

Now my taste in books runs along the lines of Faulkner, Hemingway, Atwood, Ondaatje, and Wilde, to name a few. These are books that make me work to get there points, or show me things, in ways, I would not have thought of, and I think of it as sort of a history through the back door. Writers often reflect what is important to them and what is happening in the world at the time, or just issues that they feel need to be reflected in their works. You get a fictional account of facts, or possibly, what the author was concerned with. This I love. My summer reading list, whom I got from a number of Profs in the department. Looks a little like this...

The Storm- Kate Chopin – Apparently, this caused quite a stir in an American lit class one day! I was not in that class but know the people who were and the Prof who taught the story. SO I mentally noted to I read it the first chance I had. I read this and prequel and loved it! Quite Risky for 1897! GO Kate! I loved the Awakening, and I loved this too.

The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald. Loved this book too. Yes, I have read it already! Gives you the mood and feel of a changing America in the 1920’s and the lack of direction most people felt at the time!

Of course, there is some William Faulkner on it....

I have just finished “The Bear” Which is from Go Down Moses but stands alone. Great story...I loved it. Still working at pulling section 4 apart...I will have lots to say about this at some point!

Absalom, Absalom! I will read this summer, after I finish the May/June Session. I was told this would take some dedication from me. I thought at the time, what does he mean? I thought the Sound and the Fury was hard...and then I read the back of the book...Quinton Compson...enough said! If you have read the Sound and the Fury you will understand.

I have two Ernest Hemingway on my list, The Sun Also Rises and For Whom the Bell Tolls. From Whom the Bell Tolls, I was told to wait on this, I may read it this summer I may not. BUT it is on my shelf waiting for me when I do get the urge to tackle it.

The Edible Woman by Margaret Atwood – I love Ms. Atwood so I know I will enjoy this.

Coming through the Slaughter – Michael Ondaatje- I just read In The Skin of a Lion, and loved it, looking forward to what else this author has to tell me!

Right now I am reading the Swan Thieves, by Elizabeth Kostova – one of my friends told me I should read something that I don’t have to think about so much. AND Since I love and have a good Knewledge of Art History, he thought I would love it. So I will read it to see if I can...LOL! I haven't read something like this in years!

The Picture of Dorian Gray- Oscar Wilde. I hear it is quite the story. I love Wilde so I am sure to like this.

I wonder what these books will tell me about the times in which they were written, or about the human condition, of course they will stir my soul, otherwise, why read?

On Being Me...Part 2

2011-04-21T14:34:00.009-04:00

“Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.” William Faulkner

I love this quote. It is one of my all time Favorites.

I have been thinking about my blog of yesterday, and yes I let a B- get me down, and Yes, I let the lines that I have earned on my face get me down. Yes, I let negative thinking that is my norm; invade my brain for a few hours. I think we are all entitled to a self-pity party once and while. I’m Human. I’m a woman. A Woman who has battled many things in her life and will have battle many more, and for the most part, I survived gosh darn it! A woman, who has had many good things happen in her life, and will have many more. I appreciate my friends of old and my friends of new. There the ones along with my family that kicks me in the seat of my pants when I need it.

I have had many blessings, many good things in my life.

1^st I have a husband who puts up with my crazy notions and has the common sense not to try and stop me when I make my mind up to do something. We do not have the perfect relationship, but who does?We have a good relationship and he is a good man. Not many could tolerate me!

2^nd I have two great kids. I do not have to say anything more, they are great and I love them to bits.

3^rd I have friends, lots and lots of friends. I am very lucky in that regard, I am not sure why I have so many, but any of them would help me and be there in a minute if I needed them. We may not talk all the time, but they have my back! MY closest group puts up with my whiney emails, about just about everything, and finds hotels rooms with my laugh! Love it.

4^th I have a large family who, good or bad are there for me if and when I need them.

5^th I have Sister in laws who I get along with, and are a hoot, and have a blast when we all get together to complain about our A+ husbands and Father in law.

6^th I have a nice home that I love but wish was more finished AIGT. (All In Good Time)One that we have built with our own hands from the ground up.

7^th I have my health, I am pretty healthy and have lost 30 lbs since I started back to Carleton, it is a big campus walking all over it for exercise at a quick clip makes it easy to lose weight.

8^th I have the opportunity to go back to school and find out who I am and learn from others and love my classes find my passion.

9^th I can read....you know how many people cannot read in this world? This is a blessing that I can read fact or fiction and enjoy it. I can afford to go out and buy that Faulkner or Hemingway, Atwood or Ondaatje and sit back and enjoy it , tear it to shreds looking for the themes, the connecting threads, the irony, the symbolism and know something about from which this autor is comingfrom. Where once I would have said...HUH?

10...I am me, even if some days I do not like what I see in the mirror. I am not the best, I am not perfection, and trying to be that is not what mid-life transition is all about. It is accepting yourself for who you are. I take one-step forward and two steps back but I will get there.

I think the biggest problem with me this week, is that I am going through withdrawal. Caffeine and school withdrawal, it is hard to be totally alone for 8 hours a day when you have enjoyed every waking moment you have been at school, learning new things and loving the people you are with. Yes, there have been a couple that have not been so nice but I have learned from them too, and I thank them for that. But in perspective that is 2 out of so many others who are nice.

Cross roads

So what’s next for me? Maybe I will ace that German Language Course I may take this spring. Maybe I will sit here at home and just read my reading list...Faulkner’s Absalom, Absalom! and the Bear. Hemingway’s the Sun Also Rises, Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray...just to start. Well when it warms up and the bugs have gone.

Or maybe a couple of books on Literary Theory...one never knows what will interest me next!

I will pop into the University Library and take out books.

And the Sun is shining even if it is cold!

Have a Happy Easter all, I think I have recovered from my momentary slump of self-doubt. Happens to the best of us. Isn't that what life and blogging is all about?

On Being Me

2011-04-20T09:37:00.006-04:00

"To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.” E. E. Cummings

Most people think I am strong, that I am smart, that I am confident, my Dad who can hardly see knows when I coming because he says I walk like I have somewhere important to go and do. My Husband says I am strongest woman he knows and can handle anything. Some people say I am as funny as hell, and I try to be, I think it is important to laugh daily, and to make others laugh. I love to make people laugh at something stupid I have said. One never knows when one is having a bad day and this one little laugh makes them change their attitude for a while. Some days I feel confident, and smart, and look good.

Most days, I am not any of these things.

My internal dialogue has never been one of “you can do this” I have never been sure of myself in any shape, manner or form. I am my harshest critique, I am not as confident or as strong as I appear, although I have to admit I have been more confident since I started back to school. I am more readily able to spout my opinion and stand up for myself. Go after what I want to a certain extent. BUT I am overly sensitive; I wear my emotions of my sleeve. If you cry, I will cry. Many people lately have called me sweet...maybe I am. BUT when I look in the mirror and do not like what I see. This 50 thing is coming up quick. OK it is over 2 years away, but I see the wrinkles, my skin is awful and I wish I had at least that. MY body does not respond the way I want. I constantly look at others who are 50, they look awesome, and I know this is not going to happen to me due to my genetics’. I hate it. I am told I am spitting image of my grandmother who aged early. I always said that I would grow old gracefully, but I am certainly off to a lousy start. Although, I do like my looks some days but most days I feel that I am not ready to accept this stage in my life. How does one deal and accept this? I really don’t know.

But I also look in the mirror and see a woman who has not done much with her life, and I am regretting that, way more than the lines and bulging middle. Yes, I have raised or in the process of raising two great kids. That is only one part of me, and it is this other part of me that I am not happy with. I could have done this and that, but didn’t. I think it is part of this age to feel this way. I am sure not liking it. I hate the insecure feelings that seem to be there constantly! Gnawing at me. I think part of this was I was so busy with my life before, that I had no time to think. Now that I do, I am not liking what I see.

Turning 40 was hard on me, but I missed my 30’s trying to have children. It was my sole focus in life. A good Focus but needless to say a focus that took away from self discovery. Maybe I wasn't ready. I finally had Nathan at 37 and gave up on having morechildren. I was so tired after he was born, and the constant care a preemie needs that, I barely had the energy to look after myself which was not good for him. Now I wish I had taken the time for me. To firm up and lose weight got myself back into where I was before this all happened, 7 years of trying to conceive took its toll on me, my body and yes, my mind. A friend of mine has said you should not beat yourself up for the choices you made in the past; they were all you could do at the time, right or wrong. She is right. BUT I am bad at the “what IF” thing or I “should have” thing. I should look to the future but the future is so uncertain for a woman of my age. I guess I feel out of control.

I tried taking my forties and to find out who I was and what I wanted out of life. I knew that it was not painting any more. Although I still love to whip out a brush once and while, being an Artist was a romantic notion I had. Photography though I love it, is just a hobby. I worked in an Elementary school but I felt like all I did was say the same things over and over again, parenting other people kids was not what I had in mind for the rest of my life. I was not excited, passionate about it or about anything I was doing. Who was I? I knew I was a Mom, of the stay at home type, a wife, a daughter, and a friend to many. However, I needed to know within me who I was. I always wanted to get my BA, I applied and was accepted. Best thing I have ever done in my life. I love it. But you who read know all this, so Sharon why are you writing this post?

Well, I have been playing around with taking my masters in English. My marks in some of my English classes are not what I want. It is these classes I feel the most passion for, I can talk about the works forever and love it, BUT part of this is writing about them. I feel I can’t achieve the level I want. Now they are not that bad, but I want to have that A average! I know you are going to say, Sharon your writing is getting so much better. Your grammar is getting better. You are too hard on yourself. Hello? Aren’t we always hard on ourselves? Tell me that you are not hard on yourself in some aspect of your life? I agree with all that but I want to be better NOW. Time is of the essence, 50 is fast approaching and I want to be all that I can be before then. I want to be applying to graduate school and with an A average...I want to be the best or better than I think I can be. Since the looks are leaving (if I ever had any), I want to brain power to take over. I read constantly, and I am told I can tear apart a piece of literary work with no problem, which really excites me, but I cannot write a decent paper in some classes to save my life. I feel that A level is just beyond my capabilities and I may never achieve it. YES I know I have an A average in Art History and an A average in one 3^rd year English class, but I just received a B- in the other English class. I know that one Prof is a very easy marker and the one that gave me the B- is what is expected from the English department. My grammar is what is holding me back. You say Sharon do grammar books, and I have, but it still makes abolsutely no sense to me in many aspects. I feel at times I do not understand what the Professors want, and this is what holds me back. I know so many younger people are so much better at this. I compare my papers to my Daughter who is a brilliant and wonderful writer. HOW she does this is beyond me! She has a natural grasp of the language. So I am having a down in the dumps on myself day. I had set a goal of achieving an A average this year. I failed. Just with one class, where I know the Professor wanted me to stretch and achieve that level.

This brings me back to my self Confiedence in my round about way. I never feel I can achieve or ever be satisfied with my writing, which leads to my intelliegence or with my aging, or by any other standard I put up there for me to live up to. Maybe as most say, I am just too hard on myself. Maybe I am letting one mark in a class that I loved get me down. I have to look at the bright side of this year. I made so many new friends, I loved my classes, and I didn't get a C.

Please don’t leave me a comment that says I am wonderful, and doing so well, that you admire me. Because people, I know you believe what you say, I will smile and say that is nice, but only I can change my thought patterns. I am not looking for tea and sympathy, am I just venting my insecurities.

But never fear people, I will keep trying. And my next post will most likely be back to me being postive and not looking in that Mirror again!

Feminist or not...part 2

2011-04-14T14:29:00.005-04:00

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” George Bernard Shaw...

Dear Britt: This a response to your Facebook note.

Welcome to the world.

As long as there are men and woman there are going to be issues with WHO is in power or has the power. Men will be conquering other men, and women will be telling other women they are cop-outs and not standing up for the cause and are weaker for it. Who is right and who is wrong. Both sexes will be trying to control the other in any manner possible, sexual power, intellectual power, by force, violence and whatever else there is, and then there is us. The ones are not the extreme but have strong beliefs in who we are and how we want to be treated and will let not others push us around. Who just want to learn from friends, have conversations, and intellectual stimulation based on education and life lessons learned from each other, sharing our experiences, so to speak. And ones who just try to put you down, baby!

I consider myself a Feminist (not a radical one but do believe in equality for all sexes, ethnicities, and ages) in that I choose whom to be friends with, female and male. Some say that that women and men cannot be friends without sex entering into the picture, and in the end controling one or the other; I tend to disagree with that one strongly. I have not thrown myself on any one of my male friends yet. We have come a long way where a man and a women can be friends. I do agree that there are still issues that women and men need to address, but since the end of the Victorian era there have many changes for the better in the society. Remember these strong women who helped us get to where we are, Abigail Adams, Susan B. Anthony, Mary Wollstonecraft, Gloria Steinem, Helene Cixous, and writers like Kate Chopin, Jane Austen, Mary Shelley, Virigina Woolfe, and Margaret Atwood, just to name a few, and there still is a long way to go. It will never be an Utopian Society because we are human beings, and of various states of mind, of levels of learning and opinions and values. There will always be men who think women need looking after and women are the weaker sex (Man! Do they have that one wrong LOL! Try childbirth once buddy and find out!) and Women who will want to be looked after, their choice and in my opinion nothing wrong with that. Women that are put down and are controlled by violence, so wrong, so very, very wrong. Men, who will control and put down another man, woman and child and they will and women will do the same, all wrong, no respect for others. However, these are extremes. Then there are us, middle of the road types (the majority) who want to live a life as a couple, female or male partners, and make our lives as perfect as they can be for us within our parameters.

I am not upset over the conversation I had with this woman. SHE was expressing a very strong opinion that she totally believes in. I respect that but although I don’t respect the fact that she thought she could tell me in rudeness what she thought about me. What you think about me is nto really important but telling me my life has been easy because I am a stereo type and go with the flow is wrong. She made a judgement error based on looks and I do look like she says, but my question is, is that wrong? She says she is a feminist, and that I was not in her way, but I felt it was more a power issue, she decided to extert her power over me. I listened but NOT once did she ask me where I stood on any issue.

Did standard of living, my family, my husband, other men, women, societal standards, just plain life experiences, influence me? Well YES! They made me who I am today. I am sure they have an part of me, and in a few moments of conversation she made the mistake of thinking I was a influenced totally by men, was a 1950's type who met the hubby at the door in heels with a martini for him... Heels hurt, and he comes looking for me, and I drink the martini he can get his own, and was worse I was not making my own choices. She had only spoken to me twice. I just refused to be attacked by anyone male or female without them knowing my opinions on what she decided I needed to be told. As you know of me, I can be outspoken, but I am never rude or try not to be, I try to listen, and I refuse to let who I am be judged and I won;t judge you and yoru choices. I have been called a slut and a bad mother and now a stereotype, because I look a certain way. BAH! not worth my effort to worry about these opinions of me.

Why did I post a blog about this conversation? It was to show and teach others that outside is not what counts, and you have to take time to get to know a person, and it may take years. Outside forces influence us but ultimately we make our own choices. I have made many good ones and bad ones. You can form an opinion about me, good or bad, but respect others and me for their choices, and you may find your opinion or first impression was wrong. I have a hard enough time living my life; I certainly don’t need to live anyone else’s. Sure, I am a product of my upbringing. Poverty, and told in school I would never be smart enough or pretty enough or good enough. I just said BULLSHIT and moved on, and that was my upbringing, if you want it work for it and work hard. SO if that is horrible then, move on and leave me to my own devices.

SO why am I in school now TRYING to improve myself? Mainly because I LOVE LEARNING! And this is part of learning in this enviroment that I did not expect. Another lesson learned. I just plainly told this woman, that she was stereotyping me and in doing that was doing the same to herself, I had a choice to get up in the morning and dress myself, IF I choose to look like, a mother, or sexy, or just well turned out, then so be it but who is she to tell me that this is wrong? As long as I am happy about it and feel good about me, then this is self-empowerment at its best, when I feel good on the inside and out. I thought logical dialogue and discussions were part of the University experience, not personal attacks. I learned something. She truly believed she could change my opinions or lower myself esteem, and I am sorry, but I am too old for that bullshit. Or maybe old enough not to take that bullshit! More power to those of us who will not be judged and live, love and laugh. WHICH everyone knows I love to do!

Therefore, Britt this blog is for you. What is Feminism? Being a strong woman in your own choices, choose your road or change it, it is all up to you! You don't need a manifesto to follow, follow yourself. I am stronger for meeting this woman. She was a life lesson, just like the other woman at the beginning of the school year who called me all those nasty names. Just like all the learning I am doing now, and at 47 it is coming fast and furious and I am loving it!

A male friend of mine whom I adore said to me “Sharon, Class does not compete with trash and Hunny you are not the trash!” I love that line and because of that woman’s efforts to control me by nasty words, I am stronger for it. I am a strong woman for meeting all the brillinat people, men and women, who are influencing me right now, and you included. Some Feminists would say I sit on the fence, or I am a couch Feminist, does that make me any less in my beliefs because I am not “radical” or out on the front lines? I speak my opinions when asked, but do not I force my views on others, just like don’t force my kids to eat spinach. I am I feminist, but not just a feminist... but like I said before that is one aspect of me...I am everything else combined and choose to be just so.

Who am I? Sharon, plain and simple.

Feminist or not...

2011-04-11T14:41:00.011-04:00

A few weeks back, I was sitting and talking with the woman who says, she admires me for going to school and raising a family at the same time. The woman that said I was in a Mid Life Transition, not crisis...I like that and I still use it. Taking time for myself, finding out who I am. I thanked her.

The next time this lady came around she tells me is a feminist, and I think I am too, in my own ways, I do believe that I can do anything any man does. IF FACT, I damn well know that I can! I do believe I can survive without my husband, but I choose not to because we are a pretty good team, most of the time. I can do plumbing, and have, build things, and have, crap, my manual labour went into the building of this house, with skills saws, chain saws, hammers, table saws...I can change the car oil, change a tire, so can I do everything a Man can do? You bettcha! Well, I will not pee my name in the snow, but I will gladly leave that talent to the men. SO not interested! I even kept my family name when I got married, (NOTICE I did not use the patriarchal term Maiden! I hate that term!) I thought 3^rd wave feminism (and I could be wrong) is the ability to CHOOSE what you want to do and do it! Self empowerment...Choosing what you do and making up your own mind. I thought that meant everything.

My upbringing was untraditional for the time, Woman can do anything they want...this was my Dad’s teaching. You want to be a grease monkey (mechanic) then be one and work harder and be the best. Good Life lessons.

Then (this lady and I) proceeded to talk about commercials and images. She told me I was the epitome of the straight, white, smart, female, beautiful and put together, and that I have been influenced by Male dominated magazine ads and commercials and American media and that I should fight against this. I agreed to a point and then thought just a minute here. I choose to look a certain way. I am not fashion model but I do take of myself, inside and out...ahem, I am not back in school on my own choosing? No one sent me here.

I do know, that in this day and age that people are judge first by appearance and then by intellect, I do not wear a lot of make up, I dress in a style that suits me and my body type, which is not slim by any stretch of the imagination at 5’4”. I dress to suit my personality. Jeans first, and then usually jackets, sweaters, t-shirts, and for my artsy flair, scarves and boots... LOVE BOOTS! I dig Artsy type jewellery and bracelets’, my fav’s are from the dollar store... I am middle of the road, I am a bargin shopper by nature, and I never spend a lot on my clothes. I choose to look nice and if asked if my husband cares what I wear, the answer is no. Never has. I do know that media has some influence, and yes, I struggle with this. I will never be Jennifer A or Jessica A or anyone else on the A list. But do I want to...no, not really, or I would. BUT I choose to look like me! I do not wear designer labels to which she guffawed at, I said you will find very few labels like that of any kind in my closet, and am a $8 t-shirt kind of girl, but I dress it up with a $30.00 blazer some cheap jewellery and a scarf. Which makes me look like a million bucks!

She said a few more things that criticized me for this, I thought for a minute and said quietly to her, “and you have not? First off, you are white and female, and slim and smart, just by the fact you are here, just like me, BUT you cannot assume to know me by judging me on appearance. I have chosen to look as I do. You choose to look like you do, and do not tell me other wise. You choose let people judge you on whom you are by your appearance, you dare them to. She admitted to that she does but also said she had no money. I said I grew up in poverty; do not tell me you cannot comb your hair...just that would make an image adjustment, but here again, you came to school today because you choose not to comb it, you are making a statment to the world about yourself. I am sure you have hard issues in your life, and I am sorry about that, I have had issues too, and a couple of times I almost did not make it. That is the way of the world, I fought back and am stronger than ever, no one life is easy, no one's, but I like to take care of me. MY image is my INNER self expression coming out, but you choose to express yourself in your own personal way. I don’t care, but you seem to care how I express myself and call me down on it. YOU dress how you dress to make that impression, and, then take on the world when it does what you expect it too. I dress to make my impression that I am articulate, smart and care about myself and others in one glance and possibly fun. That is what my attire says about me. Human beings have been doing this since the dawn of time. Choices are made on apperance in a split second. You chose your avenue and I choose mine, HOWEVER, you cannot judge me on it you do NOT KNOW ME.

This tires me out, when people who assume to know me after a few hours of conversation.

It does not matter to me how she dresses but her image or her self-expression is of her own doing, which is fine, she chooses to smoke, and she chooses not to fix her hair. I have no problem with any of that but the point is she CHOOSES THIS, and mental choice. I also don’t judge people on appearance or in any other way. If I do, I know they get to judge me. I get to know them first, she chose to sit with me and I allowed it, some would not...so why did this conversation, happen? This conversation has been nagging me for weeks. Was it just a conversation or did she feel I needed to be told I was a stereo type? Why was this important to her? WHY did she thought she had the right to? What made her think that I would take it lying down? We all make choices in life,some good, some bad, and only I can judge myself and my choices, no one else has the right to, well unless I cause harm to others. I have not.

Why I am out here talking about this in Blogsphere? Well, because a few years ago I would have sat there taken it, I would not have hurt her feelings, but let my feeling get hurt in the process. Typical me, but I have changed in 3 years, maybe it is age, maybe school has taught me how to stand up for myself. When this happened I, thought WAIT A MINUTE! You are attacking me and you don’t give a damn about my feelings or respectful of my choices. No matter what they are, so you have to hear what MY opinion. She listened, looked at me, shook her head sadly like I was a lost cause, said nice to chat and left. I have not seen her since.

Am I a cop out? It was my choice to go back to school, I almost quit a few times, and I was scared, terrified, I was not sure I was even smart enough to do any of this. I was encouraged by my English Prof at the time I needed at least one year to get back into the swing of things and then another to remember how to learn and then by the 3^rd year, I would doing what I hoped to...and Bloody hell, he was right! I have struggled to learn grammar and I am getting there, and I fit there, I learned that I love ENGLISH and ART HISTORY equally. It was hard to go to a place where YOUNG, BEAUTIFUL and SMART is the norm, where I was so unsure of myself. Now it does not matter. I know I am beautiful to my family and to my friends, and to the young people at school. Not in looks but as a person, inside, and there are young, middle and OLD, who do want to hear what this chick has to say. No matter what this woman had to say to me, I am me. Maybe I am beautiful on the outside, but do I fracking care? NO...My mind is what is important, not the nice jeans, my $8.00 t-shirt and the boots and cheap jewellery, I wear.

What is your take on this? AM I a copout feminist because I choose to be married, who does not use her married name, and kept my family name? I am not a feminist because my husband supports and helps me in my decision to be in school? I am not a feminist because I like to look good and dress in a certain way? Should I be judged for those choices? HOWEVER, I am ME and I am not just one thing. I am NOT just a Feminist. I am a Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Student, Friend to many, Den Mother, Artist, Photographer, Martini drinker and Wine drinker, Coffee and Tea Drinker, book lover and loves artworks! I am compassionate, loving, and friendly, emotional, and excitable and loud, loves to talk, loves to laugh, as my friend Allen says, I took the stick out my ass and love to throw back my head and let it rip! I am also a rip-roaring bitch, selfish, and moody, who hates bad manners, or people who eat with there mouth open, and sick and tired of people trying to pigeonhole me. I am all of these things and many other things and I am woman who has lost many things, learned many things and survived. I am a combination of all! Suck it up world...take me or leave me! I am Sharon...incomplete and still learning. So don’t even try to tell me who I am, because you will fail, and I am the only one who truly knows WHO I AM!

I am sorry to feminists of the world, if I do not fit into the standard Feminist stereo types, you have in your mind for me, but I will make MY Choices, and these are mine alone. No one will tell me otherwise. So in my veiw I am a Feminist, I will let no one male or female dictate who I am, and how I should act or should be.

Now I will have a cup of tea, and read, and maybe make supper for my family...but it will be my choice.

I'm BACK!

2011-02-21T08:33:00.005-05:00

“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” Ernest Hemingway

I am sure no one even comes here anymore but I will write anyways

I honestly was not going to stay away this long but with, this University thing, Parenting, housework, trying to be a wife, I didn’t have the time. I have been working on getting into that A range, in most classes, and I have mostly made it! Art History and Brit Lit I am in that range, just Canadian lit eludes me. I am in reading week now and have three papers to outline. I will be in at the University a number of times this week; I have to, no choice. I can’t procrastinate. The papers are all due in the same week. I see that the biggest problem I have is I like to fart around. On Facebook, constantly checking my emails, sending emails making a cuppa tea...if I would just focus, I would be so much more productive. BUT there are so many things that are so interesting going on around me, so many interesting people to talk to. I am loving that people at school know where to find me and come and chat, if I have to work I hide in the library. In my British Literatures class, there are six people who like to sit near me and one girl said right out to the Prof one day...”Oh Sharon is the Mom of Brit Lit II. She knows who is coming in and who is not and will send her notes without being asked.”I just about died laughing. When I am not feeling well I come in, they know, and I get so many hugs. I didn’t quite expect to be a mother to more, and university students at that, but hey why not!

As for my kids, they are doing great, mostly. Miranda is still the A student and back for her 2nd year at Concordia, and dosen't come home as much as last year, but she has a life there and I accpet that, but when she needs something she does call or comes home. Nathan is doing better in school, but is going to be ten this year, I am getting the back talk now. SIGH...I want it to be over. I know it gets worse before it gets better. Sometimes I wish I could go back to when life was simple with them, but I am enjoying them for who they are. They are GREAT KIDS!

Canadian Lit is my favourite class this year. Although I am still trying to break the A range in that class, the Professor is an amazing woman and I adore her. She is going to make the writer I want to be or at least aid me in that direction. I am going every step of the way with this last paper to make sure I get an A. Any A will do. She is also writing a book besides teaching and expecting her third child in April...she is one busy lady!

My favourite Prof and I still have our coffee and book chats ever now and then. We are both busy, we squeeze them in when we can, but that relationship has changed slightly too. He is excepting his first Child in March and I have never met a man who glows with excitement of the impending birth of his first daughter! I am thrilled for him and he is going be to be a great Dad. He is more open with me now, as if he has grown up and is able to join the parenting club. I chuckle after every chat. I do not think he is going to have too much time to talk books after she is born, but we shall see. He says he will, but we all know, those who have had children, what that is like in the first little while, till we find a rhythm.

As for me on a personal level, I am not sure how I am. There are days I am happy and there are many days when I am not and not happy with everything that goes on around me. I am sure it is all hormonal and peri menopause! I am happy when I am at school or working on that stuff, but there are other aspects of my life need working on. When I am alone I think way too much, and anaylze myself to much. I realize now there are many things I have not dealt with from my past. I wish I had done things differently, and I know that I cannot change these things; they have made me who I am today. But I am changing and trying to take control of my life at the moment, and head it in a direction where I am not settling and putting myself 2nd. Although I still feel I am mostly, that I compromise more than others in this house. It is an ongoing process, and I see that most of my friends are struggling with similar issues. In that I am not alone; which leads me to this conversation I had last week...

I met a woman named Pam. She was looking for a place to sit and eat before she did a presentation in her class, and asked if she could join me. This is a woman about my age or a little older. If you had seen her on the street, many of us would have not thought she was in University, BUT here she is in school doing her Masters in Gender Issues. She asked me what I was doing in school, and why I choose to come back. I asked her the same questions, hence the Gender Issues. I asked her what class her presentation was in she looked at me and started to study my Face, I have had this happen before but never to this extent she says “Queer Studies” Then after she took her eyes away from my face she smiled. I wasn’t quite sure what had just happened, but apparently I passed. Then she started to talk quite openly with me about many things, of which I won’t go into, but as she asked me questions and after I answered she would reply “I hate you” jokingly. At one point she says “You have you head on straight, your pretty smart (to which I laughed and said OH I don’t think so) and you are taking your time and getting good marks, and now living for yourself, not that being a mother was not, it is just now you are focused on inner self. She says she was in a hurry to get her degree and get through her training to be a therapist for young teens who need help in dealing with their sexuality to which I replied YOU GO GIRL!

As she was about the leave she stops and turns back to me, and I looked up at her and she says, Sharon, you are an amazing woman, when I said Queer Studies all you did was look at me as if I had said English or Poly Science. You did not even bat an eye. I must have looked confused. She says you know how many people look away when I say that, do you know how many people attitudes change when I say what I am doing and why I am studying what I am studying? You my dear are an enlightened woman, I thank you for the talk, and showing me that there are smart people out there who just accept the world as it is and DO NOT JUDGE. You didn’t even judge me on my appearance which I do on purpose to make a point, albeit subtle. She says to me, you keep on studying, you keep on working toward your dreams, you will make it, and don’t let anyone tell you this is a midlife crisis you are in, after being a mom for 20 yrs, after doing everything society expects of you, you are taking the time to transition into you! This is a mid life transition, no crisis involved. Men have crisis, Women Transition. YOU GO GIRL and I HATE YOU, smiles, laughs, shakes my hand and leaves, saying I hope to chat with you again...I do too...It made me think...

Midlife Transition – Yes that is me, totally and to the T, and this came from a woman I have never seen but happen to choose to sit with me a chat for 15 minutes. Funny how 15 minutes can change your viewpoint and makes things that seem a little muddy, clearer! This is why I love being where I am now.

I hope to update once a month from now on...I marking it on the calendar!

Oh it felt good to be back!
Have a good one and take care, and take a moment for yourself. You deserve it!

Busy

2010-09-28T11:13:00.002-04:00

Busy!

I don’t even have time to write BUSY again... I think this blog is going to go on Hiatus. I don’t have time to write it or properly look after it or even take pictures since classes started weeks ago.

Don’t get me wrong, I would love to keep this up, but I have a lot on my plate. To the ones that can still find time to blog while working, looking after a family, and everything else that goes along with life in general, grocery shopping, house cleaning, running to and fro to events...I just can’t do it. Not in the cards so to speak.

School NEWS: I love each and every one of my classes and Professors; it is going to be a fun and interesting year! After all the struggles I had trying to come up with the perfect mix of English, Latin, and Art History, well something had to give. AND Latin it was. You remember that post, I barely remember it. BUT I now have 3 classes that I love. My Canadian Literatures class is taught by a young woman who seems to me like a real go getter. She is a wife, mother, researcher, author, Professor and it she is a skinny little thing. Classes are so interesting; I thought I would be bored to tears in that class. AND I know people in it. That always helps! The TA is even fun! Her name is Sharon so how could she be bad, and she is my age! SO I am looking forward to working with both of them.

My British Lit Class is fun too. The Prof is a little eccentric but in a funny way! I walk out of there after laughing for a 1 1/2, Great class for such a dry subject. He says things to make us think, and boy do I think in that class...at what authors like Swift and Pope were trying to get at. I am not fond of British lit, but it should be better than Brit lit 1 that I struggled through last year. Although it is a 3rd year class, I think I can do it. Interesting class and man.

I also learned people are sometimes are not what they seem to be. And this was a hard lesson, but one well learned. I have learned this before, but I guess I had forgotten in my excitement at being at school. As my Friend Allen says “Whatever” Perfect place to end this blog!

See you when I come up for air!

Happy Birthday to me

2010-08-23T11:16:00.004-04:00

Yup, today is my 47th birthday, and today I have the right to muse here, and well, be blunt, open and honest and maybe confusing, but it is my birthday and I can do that!

Let's start with my favourite quote from William Faulkner

" Fear is the most damnable, damaging thing to human personality in the whole world."

Yup that is me, afraid of many things but for this post, my age and how it is damaging to me.
My age has become a preoccupation with me. It shouldn't but it is. It is only a number, but I can't believe that I am 47 feeling 27! Although when I look in the mirror is see crow's feet forming, lines on my chest that were, I am darn sure not there last week, parts of my body losing its fight with gravity, and those damnable pounds I have been trying to lose for years and other things I will not talk about in polite company. And with 50 looming on the horizon, seems to be a hard one for me even if it is 3 years away.

40 hit me hard and then I accepted it, but as 45 approached and went, and 46 just whipped on by, those same fears of growing older are coming back stronger and harder. There was a time when I thought 50 was OLD, when people were not having sex or even thinking about it or that way didn't really care about appearance and started to wear old clothes. You know the ones, the ones with the polyester pants with the elastic waist bands, comfortable but unfashionable shoes, I started to cringe and say I AM NOT DOING THAT! I am going to wear those uncomfortable sexy shoes, and have all the sex I want, even if I don't quite look like Julia Roberts while doing it and I dare anyone to take away my sexy jeans and jackets that I love to wear! Maybe show a little cleavage before the girls head south for a permanent vacation. Polyester will have to wait for awhile... Honey, not on this body!

I jest, but I do see now how wrong I was. 50 year olds are as hot and sexy as 30 year olds with a little more life experience. I have some prime examples in my life! Women who have embraced their age and still look awesome and better than they did when they were younger! I am trying to model myself after these women, and it this is the beginning of the rest of my life, where I can still dress as I like, wear sexy uncomfortable shoes, short skirts but not too short and look good with all the signs that I have lived, and lived well. I have enjoyed my life, even IF I am going through a mid life crisis. I am improving myself, and changing and the people in my life are having a hard time keeping up. Some do not want me to change, some applaud it, and others just roll their eyes and put up with me. I am not sure who I was, or who I am, but I am damn sure I will turn into the person I want to be in a few years. DO the things I have put on hold while my family was young. Now it is my turn to be ME! Not who others think I am or want me to be. I have a whole new person screaming to get out, and she is coming out, slowly but surely and hopefully with grace and some style.

Now I know I can say all this, and swear I will not let a NUMBER get me down, and I know numbers will get me down from time to time, but I am fighting a society that has not embraced aging at all. Yes, we are starting to, and I think only because we outnumber the younger crowd, and marketers are not stupid. They know WHO has the money and WHO the consumers are, so they play up to us. It is hard to not fall prey to marketing and what we have been told for 50 years, that once you hit a certain age it is all over, bring out the depends, buy your polyester, and get those comfy but ugly shoes, and accept your age, or try to keep up with the younger crowd and keep aging at bay...I am not sure which is right, BUT honey there are a lot of us out there who are not going to accept this and do things our own way, some of us will go out fighting with facelifts, and surgery to keep looking for that eternal fountain of youth and dress like we were still 19. Some of us will buy all the anti aging products that we can afford, and dress like we are in our 30's and dye the grey out for a few more years. AND some of us will do what some of us before have done, get the comfy shoes and live life paying no mind to the rest of scrambling to keep our youth. Sometimes I wonder who are the crazy ones....No matter, whatever each of us do, we have to do it in our own style and grace, and do what is best for us. I am hoping to be middle of the road with my own sense of style and grace. And, of course, with a lot of laughs with family and friends!

But what I am doing is trying to improve my self esteem by improving my mind. University is my mid life crisis, and low and behold it is where I belong! I am opening my mind up to different concepts and opinions, learning that I am ok who I am, and listening to others of all ages and life styles and experiences. Although at times I do find it hard when, a beautiful, smart young woman walks by and makes me feel, well OLD. I am in an environment filled with smart beautiful young women and I do feel out of place a lot of the time. But I love this adventure! An adventure I want to continue for years! It makes me smile and happy to get up in the morning!

So let's end with another favourite Faulkner quote to which I am going to try and live by

"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself."

No matter what I see in the mirror in the morning, Crow's feet, saggy baggage and all I will try to be me, no matter what.

Photo Walk and Photomoment part Two and the one about the Almost Latin Class

2010-08-03T14:11:00.003-04:00

As Promised I am putting up some more photos of the Photo Walk I took, and in among it a story about a University student who just can't make up her mind.

Light and Shadow

At one point in the summer session I was talking to a student who was taking Classical Greece with me I was told by this student who was taking Latin during the summer that it would help me with my grammar rules in English and spelling. Mulling it over and trying to make a smart choice, I talked to a number of people and they all said sounds like a good idea...so enrollement rolls around and I try to enroll in Latin, which is a 1st year course, but it refused to let me in and I have 2nd year standing. This should have been my clue that this was not a class for me. I did an over ride request and got into the class.

I thought I had my classes all set and then I get this email from a friend who really does have my sanity at heart. He knows about my struggles with grammar and tells me I am not that bad. He gets A+'s in everything and I get B+'s...I am so close to that A range I can taste it. He tells me my problem is editing not really grammar, and I will catch those if I edit carefully. He has talked to this super smart student who told me I should take Latin in the first place. Apparently he has never gotten below an A- in his life and in this class, he has gotten a C+. What does this mean for me? A BIG FAT F!

Green lines

But not to rush things, I talk to a friend who used to teach Latin at the University Level. She says she has been thinking about me and askes me to send her some papers of mine to see how I write to give me a more informed descision, which I do. To her it is more editing problems than Grammar. Just like my other friend did. Yes there are a few issues but those I can fix on my own she tells me.

Colour Explosion

Then I go and talk to Professor of English that I trust to be honest with me, and he says he also has been thinking about me. He figures I would waste a lot of money taking that class, and that I could figure it out on my own, look how far I have come to begin with. He had a point.

Lantern @ #15

Thinking it over carefully, I figured I would rather work on my Majors and not take Latin, and with a Professor who thinks a C is a good mark, I may just be biting my self in my ample ass. Not a good thing for my GPA. I want that up so I can get funding to do my Masters.

Urban Cool

So I walked away from Latin and feel so much better about dropping it. I was unsure and not feeling comfortable with taking it, dreading it. Knowing there are classes out there I would rather that and be totally miserable for a whole year.

Looking

Now I am registed in Canadian Literatures, British Literatures II, and Renaissance Art for the Fall. In the Winter I will be still taking both English Classes but the Art History will change to Artist in Context, and this year will be Vincent Van Gogh, which I know I will enjoy.

I think taking Latin would have been a big mistake for me. As my English Prof said, take it if you really want to learn Latin. And my reply...I don't think I will be joining the Vatican anytime soon.

So know the BIG QUESTION IS...
when I can order my books, go out and buy school supplies and myself a pair of jeans and shoes, and new pair of boots I am drooling over on St. Catherine Street in Montreal, Oh yes and a back pack, for the first day of Classes? September 7th can't get here quick enough! :)

Photo Walk and Photomoment

2010-07-27T09:40:00.008-04:00

My lovely friend Anna, has been trying to get me to go on a Photo Walk for a while now, so I joined this one and did the Byward Market in Ottawa, had a great time. I met some new people and ran into my old friend Dani too. I was awed at the talent of the people on the walk and I am no where near their abilities. I know I could learn oodles from them, so this post is mostly a huge photomoment...I will definitely do another walk in the future. Time permitting.

Here some of my fav's from that day...

My Friend Beachmama

Cascading Flowers

I love the constrast between the Natural and the Manmade

Does everyone have an iphone but me? It seems the phones were talked about as much as Cameras. LOL!

Danigirl and the Meter

Past to Present

The colour of the Market is awesome

I will post others on another day. I don't want to show everything at once.

learning curve

2010-07-14T19:30:00.003-04:00

It's funny...
not funny ha ha but, just funny...
I have been thinking about my life and things I would never do, but I do other things that are just as immature as some of the 20 year olds I see.
As we grow older we think we have learned how to behave, how not to say things to hurt people.
My learning curve is changing, I am not taking anymore bull from people. I used to put up with a lot but now I do not, but it is no reason to be rude.

Let me tell you one of two stories. Not really related but will relate at the end...
I was sitting in class on day and we were watching a movie, and one couple were working on the paper that was due the next class, yes they were rude and they should have been quiet. The young woman behind me was quite vocal about shhhing them...annoying as it was she had a point. BUT in my older opinion she should have just walked up and quietly asked them to be quiet and it would have worked more effectively and gotten better results.

The next class, I was the one she was annoyed with. I was speaking to my classmate, about things related to the what the professor was talking about. I was whispering softly and I was sitting near the back. I should not have, but we were relating the Forest Fires in Quebec to what we were talking about in class. I should have written my friend a note, But this young woman pushed on the back of my chair ever time I whispered with her foot, at one point jolting me hard that my neck cracked. I just continued to ignore her, thinking that was quite childish. I was not whispering much, she seemed to think any was too much. After class I ran across this young woman in a common area of the University. I got a dirty look, I approached her and said, if you would like someone to be quiet please just ask them politely instead of knocking someones chair or shhhing which is just as annoying as the two talking or my whispering. She said I should know better, to which I agreed, but I said but to ask would have gotten more immediate results. Although this does not seem to apply to you and the young man seated behind you that you whisper to. She blushed and walked away.

So fast froward to the next class, I did not sit with my friend near her, I moved so I could watch and listen. She walks in late, and swagger down the isle, I kid you not.I had noticed she walked in late most classes but not really paying attention before this. My friend noticed and frowned at me. We just shook our heads. Now fast froward again, to the exam, this same young woman swaggers in about a minute before the exam is to begin, she leans suggestively across the desk, exposing her ample bosom, asking the professor where she should sit. I have to give the Professor credit, he never looked up at her, and told her to sit where the was a paper. She walks by my friend and I and has a suggestive look on her face and wiggles that bottom up the stairs. The Prof has not even looked up, but my friend and I both see this young woman trying to use herself is this manner and are shocked and appalled. I wish I could have talked to her telling her that this is not going to help her get through University. I so wanted to tell her that this is not what woman want to be doing in this world. Use your mind, not your body, if you are here, you have the abilities to succeed. My friend and I could not believe that young woman still do this in this modern era. I guess there will always be a few. Sad really.

Now lets move towards me. I have been not been as nice as I should be lately. Saying things out of character to me. I am not liking myself. I know I am changing and I have been stressed and tired, and trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Today I realize I have a lot more changing to do, said something trying to be funny, and was wrong in saying it. the people involved have been apologized to. All I can do. One thing I do know, this journey I am on is interesting to say the least, but it is not a smooth road, but one of learning, and discovery. I hope not to leave to many causalities along the way.

I guess that young woman and I are not so different after all, just the learning curve are different. Different because of who we are and how we were brought up and our 26 year age difference. Although I am older, I am not necessarily wiser.

this and that

2010-07-13T16:56:00.005-04:00

A single moment

Boys
Sons
Males

Will I ever understand them? Most likely, I won't. I love my son, desperately wanted a boy, but he is not what I expected. He is wild and crazy, knows his own mind and come hell or high water will not do the most simplest of things without and arguement or a good reason. I hear myself saying the words I swore I would never say...BECAUSE I SAID SO and what is this bull that males are more logical in their thinking and females are more emotional. Utter Bull. Have not seen evidence of this in either one in my house. I love both. Most of the time I see think it, do it. I have seen boys that are much more sensible (well at least I think they are in the small doses I am exposed to them) than my young man who is about to turn 9. Let's do he thinks and does it. Does he think about what might happen if he does this?...NO... Resounding NO! And what do I get from Jack if I tell him the adventures of the day. Hunny he is just a boy...OH and that makes it ok? Methinks not. He is also at the mouthy phase. Please God...if you hear me, smarten him up soon! I can't take this constant argueing and telling me I me WRONG...In every little thing. Day in and day out.
Amen.

Photography
Picutres
Camera
This is what I should be doing day in and day out. I haven't done much of that lately. I am deleting the bad photos, off the computer, to clear up space on the the HD. When we bought the computer my husband said will never be able to fill this computer. HA~! I thought, watch me. Less than 4 years it is full!

But...I am going on a photowalk with my friend Beachmama on July 24th. I am so looking forward to this. I hope I can live up to some of the amazing photographers I know will be in the group. I'm sort of out of pratice, I guess I better pratice before I go. YIKES...So much fun, but so nervous.

Reading
Books
Research
Quotes

I love this part of my life...I got my grades and did well in the 2 summer courses I took in May/June. So I handled that better than expected. I had trouble registering for my classes again this year. For some reason I was not premitted to take Latin, which is a 1st year course, and I have 2nd year standing. But I know the Professor and pulled a few strings and got my Latin class. I need it to improve my grammar and to show the one Professor who told me "if you don't have your grammar at your age, you will never have it." Bull...was my thought. And I talked to the other professor I get along with well and he said it would most likely be just the thing I need to get me where I WANT TO BE! So one day I can give her the Big raspberry...I may never be a grammarian, but I will be heaps better than I am now and KNOW what things are called. I know it is going to take a lot of work but it will be worth it in my opinion.

I have found I love searching out quotes... I particaully love quotes by authors I love to read. I seem to need that daily boost to keep me going lately. I love Faulkner. I love this one particularly

Fear is the most damnable, damaging thing to human personality in the whole world.

and this one

Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.

- William Faulkner

These two sum me up pretty well. All my life I was afraid of trying for fear of failing, but I realize no one cares whether I fail or not, it is only me that is stopping me. But since I have gone back to school I have learned it doesn't matter whether I pass or fail or how HIGH my marks are, just as long as I enjoyed the journey and learn something.
And I am.
And this sums up and ends this blog.

Summer

2010-07-07T11:23:00.003-04:00

Yup! I'm free, I'm on summer vacation till September 7th.
Well sort of.
No rest for the wicked, no peace for the loosey. Yup that's me.
Since I have been off I have read a few books, Mrs Dalloway by Virginia Woolf, and let me say this is the most beautifully written works I have read to date. There is one paragraph in it that made me sit back and say WOW!

I have also read a couple of Biographies on William Faulkner, Interesting character.

I have also read Ernest Hemingway's To Have and Have Not. Brutal book just after reading Mrs. Dalloway, I wasn't sure what to make of it or the main character, but the more I think of it the more I get it, and then I read a few articles on Hemingway. Which to me can help one understand the authors intent. I have Farewell to Arms, along with Sanctuary by Faulkner on Order. Right at the moment I have just started Jane Austin's Pride and Predjuice.

BUT mostly I have been busy with the Hubby and the Son. Jack is on Holidays and we are working on painting Nathan's room. (yes in this heat) Then Jack goes back to work on Monday. I am taking one day a week, most likely Thursdays to go into the school and get some books and have a day to myself and see some of the friends I have made at school. I need to keep in touch with them.

I am waiting on marks for the two summer classes I took. SO lets see if I should have been an Archaeology student, sorry Anthroplogy student, or a Classical Greek Historian. Nah... Loving English and art history too much.

I miss school, although I am enjoying the freedom to read what I want.

So here's to summer reading....what are you reading?

Cricket! Cricket!

2010-06-16T09:16:00.004-04:00

Hear that? (She says as she cuts through the cobwebs that have built up on this blog)

That is the sound of a well underused blog, waiting for the time when the blogger remembers to comes back.
She has been a bit busy.

I have taken 2 courses in the summer session at school that have taken up the most of my time and energy. BUT the last classes are this Thursday, and my exams are at the end of next week and then I will have time to write her for 8 whole weeks.
No vacation in this house, well, where we actaully go anywhere overnight. I do have some directed readings to do and I want to do some research on the authors and artists I have learned about this year. Just can't completely stop.

I have actaully met and made friends with some very nice people this term. I have totally enjoyed that. I do have some stories about some of the things I have seen. Anthropology has been a lot of work but not to hard. Just memory. The prof has been pretty good. Classical Greece has been a wee bit harder than I expected ( dates, dates and more dates, my kingdom for a classs without dates!) but I have not spent my time wisely on that. I will for the exam and I am caught up in that class.

The fall winter schedule is out and I am looking at what I want to take this year. I ran my audit to see how I stack up in credits...well I found out I now have 2nd year standing. Only took me 2 years to get there. WOO HOO!

I promise to be back with lots of Photos and Lots of stories and I have some fun ones.
But I have to catch up on my notes for Anthropology
Later my blog readers...if you are still out there?
Cricket Cricket

3 weeks

2010-05-06T15:37:00.004-04:00

In the 3 weeks I have had off, I have done... well, not a whole hell of a lot.
I've worked in flower beds, some, tons more needs to be done.
Done the usual, laundry, more laundry and more laundry, and some housework.
I've read what I wanted to read. I read a Handmaids Tale, Slaughterhouse Five, and re reading Sound and the Fury. I want to start Heart of Darkness soon. This I have enjoyed. After months of Medievel and Renaissance literature it is a pleasant change. Glad I have read what I did but I see that I am more a modernist girl. Can't wait to finish the other requirements and sink my teeth into this period of literature.
Spent some time having coffee and lunches, and suppers with friends.
I spent time with my kids.
Started exercising, not as much as I should be it is better than nothing.
I could have done a lot more cleaning, but for some reason it only gets messy again!
I could have done a million things that are on my "to do" list.
But I have basically been a lazy ass.
Why?
I think I was conserving energy. Next week I go back to school for 8 weeks, taking 2 classes.
I seem to like to test myself. BUT I am sure I can do it.
I am taking 2 more of my first year requirements -Anthropolgy and Classical Greek Civilization - this one should be a breeze I have taken much of this in Art History and WAY back when in CEGEP. The Anthropopgy we will see. It is the first Science type class I have ever taken.
Will I be done after this...well no... I need to more classes in first year to finish this.
But I am looking forward to being back, to be honest, I have missed being there and having something to do.
I do not like being home alone most of the time. It's Like I am spending my time waiting for someone to come home. I don't like waiting.
OH and I have spent my time taking photos, of course. :)

My Perfect Days

2010-05-03T13:37:00.004-04:00

Over at Beachmama's blog, she wrote about her perfect days...I thought this was an awesome idea and would give it a go over here on my Blog. But I am going to give you a number of perfect days, like Beachmama did but mine will be named slightly different! Let me give you, the reader, an advisory...I have a good imagination, so some of these are straight out of my head and have no way of ever happening.

My Fantasy Perfect Day: This is all based in my head and has nothing to do with any reality or possiblity of it happening. Just good old fashion fun. I wake up to be 40 lbs slimmer, toned, and I have always have been, and I hate junk food and eat only healthly and I am living is this beautiful finished house that has windows everywhere, and a view that is to die for, somewhere on a lake with 300 arces around me. The man of my Dreams, who is a mix of Daniel Craig, Johnny Depp, and the charm of George Clooney, and sings like Jim Cuddy or Chad Kroger depending on my mood, and he is ripped but not too much, I don't like that over built look, is making coffee in nothing but a towel downstairs. Oh baby. :0) He is totally devoted to me and does everything I want and more. He tells me that I look wonderful every morning and how lucky he is to be with me. He tells me he has a surprise for me that night, and that he has arranged for us to have dinner is some amazing resturant, and are going to see some amazing concert (I don't care who it is, I'm with the man of my dreams) where I can take my new Professional Nikon D 3 camera and I have a back stage pass to take photos! After the concert we hang with the band and go home to a nice roaring bonfire on our deck and have martini's and ...
OK I have a bit of a romantic streak.

Nickelback

Styx

My Semi Reality Perfect Day: I have a finished house, all the new funiture I want, and my Dream Car, and maybe 20 lbs thinner that I have worked off myself and am quite proud of, and I have just finished my PhD in English or Art History or BOTH! And I am leaving on a trip with my family to England to tour around for a month and take in a play or two. I am working on this one, and will achieve some of these over time. It's nice to have goals and plans. Even if I don't quite achieve them all.

Martini's one of my favorite Drinks!

My Reality Perfect Day: All myFamily and friends and their children are over for one kick ass BBQ, right here on our farm! There is loud music and a fire for marshmellows, and all sleep over in tents and have a blast. Simple as that! This last one would be hard, because I have soooo many friends and so much family that getting all here for ONE day is hard, it takes us months just to get together for dinner sometimes! BUT Totally possible. We will see what the summer brings.

What I will get for a Perfect Day-A day to sit on my back deck without black flies and misqutoes, and read, with a tea or a glass of wine or a MARTINI ( do you see a pattern happening here?), and my family's here and running about. This sounds about right to me...What are your Perfect Days? Reflect on this and get back to me...

April 27, 2010

2010-04-27T12:12:00.004-04:00

The road leading to the fields.

Last week, Nathan were out walking and exploring all the things that are spring...
Running creek, frog ponds, looking at the trees, and every stone we came across...I swear that boy is going to be a geologist.

Frog pond

Checking out the creeks

Walking to the fields to see what was up down there and making rivers, boys love mud and dirt, I took pictures!

Look Mom, I'm making a river.

But Mother Nature decided to remind us who is in control and in charge. This is what we woke up too after having a day of 17C yesterday.

Snow on the back deck

Walking to the bus

On the sprouting Maple trees

But by Noon it was all gone...back to our regular schedualed spring.

I should be studying ....

2010-04-17T14:06:00.006-04:00

I should be studying...
My last exam is on Monday for Modern Art....Fauvism through to Surrealim. I totally enjoyed this class and the Professor. I am at school to get away from the distractions of my normal home life.
But...
I can't help thinking about everything that is going on around me and in my life. It has been eventful.
A friend of mine died, I have told you all about that in my last post and I will go this week and say goodbye to her in my own way. Another Friend came over for tea and as I invited her and husband to my Husband's 50th birthday, she told me her and her husband have seperated. I feel bad for them, but they have to do what is right to each of them. I do not Judge.
Miranda moved back home this week for the summer. YEAH!
Her Boyfriend went to England with his parents and then Volcano in Iceland errupted, and now they are stuck there for the time being.
My Brother in Law is moving into the house that my husband has been helping build for the last 3 years. Finally! Maybe my life can go back to normal.
Last week had a wonderful surprise I ended up going to see on of my most Favorite bands!
Free!
My friends son back out at the last moment and I got email saying, she needed a date, to see a a little band called Nickleback!

My husband thought I was nuts... I squeeled with delight reading the email!
They did not dissappoint. I love hard rock, I enjoy it, yes some of the lyrics are, how should we say, objectional, or maybe questionable, they are are definitely not for young ears! But I have no problem with them. Take them for what they are a HARD ROCK BAND! In fact I totally loved every moment of the concert. Sang till my throat hurt and stood and danced the whole time! Like everyone else at Scotia Bank Place!
I haven't been to a good rock show in years! I will defintely go again.
Here are a few shots I took with my point and shoot! Not bad but if I had my Nikon D80 it would be sooo much better!

Most of these are from the Jumbotron they had behind them...which made everyone feel like they were in the front row! Loved it!

Ryan's drumming solo

It was the stress release I needed...Thanks Barb for thinking of me and Thanks Jamie for backing out!!!! I had a blast!

Well better get back to studying while I am here at school on a Saturday, but I have not posted in so long I figured I better share something. I have a few weeks off before I do the May/ June session and then I will take July/August off for the summer!
Later peeps!

Let me tell you a story

2010-03-26T14:37:00.003-04:00

It's about a life.
A life of a woman taken too soon.
I hope she is at peace because I get the feeling she did not have a lot of that.
I knew her, knew her well, or so I thought.
But I am not one to pry and ask questions, I come from the idea that if you want to talk you will.
She never talked much about herself, her family, or others.
Although we all knew that she was having trouble dealing with different issues in her life, past and present. How could she not?
Details I won't go into out of respect for her and her family.
But what I will tell you is about the times we spent together.
We spent hours on the phone before computers, email and Facebook, comiserating about being new mothers while our new baby girls were sleeping.
How many Birthday parties we went to together with the girls.
The Sleigh rides we went on.
Wagon rides (they were big Horse people)
Trips to Fabric land to buy fabric to make our girls some cool new dresses.
Out to dinner, over to dinner, and to here to dinner.
Then she had her 2nd girl, and I struggled to have my 2nd.
After our girls drifted apart we seemed to too, not out of anger, or anything else, just lives changing direction. We meet and chat once and while like all those years had not passed. The last time I seen her was over a year ago. We chatted 5 minutes and off we went.
But...I had heard the romours of troubles in her life, not easy ones either.
Then last night coming home , the car she was driving left the road and struck a pole and she was killed on impact.
I am trying to take something from her life and learn something. I think what get from her is that life is too short to be miserable and not doing something to make yourself happy. So if you find yourself in turmoil, talk to people and seek help, and CHANGE what is making your life miserable. I know sometimes easier said than done.

Della We Will Miss You.

OH Dear! I have been lacking!

2010-03-09T10:04:00.003-05:00

In posts that is.
It the end of the semester and things are crazy so I thought I would post quickly and race back to my last paper. I have no clue where the term has gone. I still have two novels to read, and some notes to catch up on. Honestly the last semester is always a crazy one for me.

What have I been doing?
Well there has been 2 reading weeks and a March Break to deal with. (Mine, Miranda's and Nathan's) I spent my trying to catch up on notes to be able to study for the mid term in modern art, WHICH I got a B+ on and I was happy with that.
Then Miranda's which meant I was here, there and everywhere with her for some fun times.
Nathan was particularly hard because I had to find a sitter for a couple of days and then we went out to a museum and McD's for fun time.

Bottled wine. Had a house full for friends over for some fun times and of course many glasses of wine and lots of food! Of course then I did not feel good the next day. ;)
Then the next day we had to watch that hockey game...you know the one I am talking about!
Canada ROCKS!
3 Birthday Parties last Saturday, and ALL of which I made an apperance at.
My FIL 80th, my Friends 40th, and my nieces 8th! It was a busy Saturday.
OH and lets fit in the Olympics here and there! Weren't they awesome?
I haven't taken very many pictures. I have been focused on my classes or at least trying to be.
I will take more as things start to warm up...not that it hasn't been a pretty warm winter up here. AND VERY LITTLE SNOW to speak of.

So here's to spring, and finishing exams, and getting outside more and just being free. Free of exams and free to roam and take some more shots! Won't be long till the tulips are out.
Later all!

Just a few things

2010-02-11T16:01:00.002-05:00

I might have a weeks worth of blogging in one post but it a few things that entered my mind this week.
First...I am feeling better about my self at times. There are days were I feel completely inept at everything I do. From parenting to school. BUT I do think keeping a journal is helping me see what is in my head and what is bothering me. NO clue what to do about it...yet.

Second...Breakfast...Lunch....Nutrition.
As you know if you read this blog at all regularly, that Nathan is having trouble in school. And as everyone and his dog knows BREAKFAST IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY! Well Nathan refuses to eat breakfast most days. I try, but is it worth making both of us upset? I cannot for the life of me been able to get either of my kids to eat! Am I THAT BAD A COOK?
He says he doesn't feel well. I'm postive it is because he is hungry. BUT try to convinve someone who is says their tummy is upset to eat! I had the same, same problem with Miranda. I have not clue what to do, and to make it worse, he is not eating much of his lunch. We have tried and failed to get him to take multi vitimans but no go. I have tried just to get him to drink, got him up earlier, got him up later, drove him to school. Nothing works. He barely eats breakfast on weekends, unless we go out after church and that is almost 10 a.m. by then. His lunch is barely touched. He won't eat anything. I have gotten angry, begged, cried, to no avail. I give him cheese, and fruit that he won't eat, taken away the sugary junk because that is all he will eat. Tried to make it fun. done alomost every thing I can think of. BUT When that boy gets home he non stops eats till bed. Any advice? I am ready to book a room in an mental hospital and just sit and stare. Nothing upsets me more than not being able to get him to eat.

Third...Last weekend we went to Winterlude. It was a short visit and fun. BUT Nathan had a nasty cold and was not up to all the fun. We ended up going to a friends house for a few hours, and just sitting. Here's a few shots...I didn't take many, due to the short amount of time we were there.

Nathan and Colin hamming it up!

Backsides sliding down!

Today was my last class for a week. I am officially on reading week. What am I doing? Well, I am reading and getting ready for my midterm in art history when I get back. I may even go to school a day or two to study. AM I a dedicated student or what? I will be all alone on my reading week. Miranda's is the week after mine. Nathan's is the first week of March. So there is no way we could all go somewhere, IF I could get Jack to take time off of work or from his Brother's house.

Maybe I will take a me day and go have coffee with some friends or take some pictures.
What do you think?

I want a key to the inside

2010-02-04T16:43:00.004-05:00

I remember being a kid in school. Elementary school.
I was not popular and I was shy. I was picked on steady. I really didn't have many friends or one I could say that was my best friend. I really was a loner until I reached College and that is where I met one of my closest friends that I have to this day. Most teachers were not interested in me or my imagination. UNLESS it pertained to what was going on in class. I was often told to sit down and be quiet and I learned fast that if I was quiet, no one bothered me.
I was not interested in what was going on in class. It was boring. Sitting in rows and quietly doing work was an invitation to me to drift off to parts unknown.

Miranda was fairly popular but was picked on no matter what she did. Grade 6 was a bugger of a year for her. My heart broke to hear her cry and I did what I could to problem solve and give her ways to fight back. Going to school and getting it stopped would have made things were for her being that we live near a small town.
The only ways she won out over those girls was when she moved to Junior High she made new friends that were closer to her temperament and interested in the same things as her. She did have the ability too to work within the school system and teachers did like her.

Now I have Nathan. Not a popular kid at school from what I can see. Has most of the same things the other kids have, but he for some magic reason is not liked and included, just like me. And just like me, he has NO interest in school, but has an imagination that could fill a large room with tangible ideas. He could discover a cure for cancer, or any other disease, develop any number of ways to help people but he is being squashed. He is falling through the cracks, in somewhat the same ways I did at the time. The intelligence was there but like me, I had no interest in doing things the way they wanted me to. I see this in Nathan. The difference is he is more vocal about his likes and dislikes. He refused to do a math test this week, purposely failed it because he had done the stuff over and over and was BORED by it. I get a note home from the teacher that saying that he may need help. HUH? my KID? Who was getting perfect scores last week is now in need of help? I have him being tutored...what more can I do? How do you get inside the head of an eight year old boy who has never done anything according to plan. Hard to conceive, delivered early, walked when he damn well wanted to at 16 months, pickiest eater I have ever seen .

HOW do I get him to work within the system? I am sure there is greatness in this child. His imagination is being bored out of him. Punishment doesn't work. Just makes him feel worse about himself. Bribing doesn't work, if he is not interested, he is not interested. NOT even a new game for his DSI will motivate him. I can only hope and Pray he figures out on his own how important it is to work and work hard...even if you are bored to tears. His Mommy almost learned this too late. BUT she recovered and graduated high school and went to college and art school and is now loving every minute of learning in University but of course mommy is doing it on her terms. I guess some things never change.

I really want to know what is going on in his head. What wonderful and amazing things are there for us to discover. He never really talks about what he is thinking, but I do what him not to make all the mistakes I did. Work within the system for awhile, KEEP that IMAGINATION rolling, and one day when you are an adult, let it loose and create something wonderful for us all!
Nathan, wake up, the world is waiting for you, you just have to grab it and do it in a way that will let the world let you do what you want to in your own fashion.
Mommy loves you and your greatness.
The World is Waiting...

OH Hello! Yes I Do Blog Here

2010-01-29T12:47:00.006-05:00

well sometimes.
I really don't know how some people do it ALL. I can't do just a few things.
What have I been up to...well school. A lot of readings this term and I am about to start Paradise Lost by John Milton.
Life in general has been nutty.
AND
I have a thing or two I want to lecture about.
Yes, lecture.

1st!
Do pay attention to School Bus Signals!
I almost lost my neice this past week due to lack of attention and driving way too fast to control the vechile he was driving on slippery roads. Luckily my neice was only bumped by the tow truck that came inches from killing her instantly. According to the police. He smacked the school bus she was trying to get on. Thankfully the only thing that happened to my neice was a nasty bump on her face from falling face first into the ditch after the tire glazed her. Also teach your kids to pay attention to the bus driver and watch for bad drivers. That was one of the problems the bus driver seen the truck coming and tried to stop her...she just walked across the road not paying any attention to the driver. Yes she is young but still you have to look.

2nd
I want to lecture about is ...weather...
I'm not sure that the weather cares or even knows who I am but HOLY hannah make up your mind. Monday it was warm and raining. Today it is sunny and FREAKIN" COLD! I mean -33 C with a windchill when on Monday it was +3 C and raining. I can't take the dramatic change.
Then when I left Ottawa yesterday it was nice and sunny and then I hit the worst weather conditions I have ever driven in 27 years of driving! Sudden snow squalls! I hit them as I drove across the Bridge into Hull and I didn't leave it till I hit Angers! At one point I pulled off the highway and sat in a parking lot till it let up and what scared me the most about it I couldn't find the exit and then I seen traffic lights...I was already on the exit! I had no clue where I was! Completely white everywhere I looked. Scared me to death!

This is the 2nd squall coming through and looking out my front window at the fence, 50 ft in front of the house. And this was no wear near as bad as what I drove in...this is good vision!

This is what it looked like a second later! THIS is the shit I drove in!

School is going well. I do have to get another paper done but that is ok. I am enjoying my classes and hoping that I can take something from May to June.

This was taken at a friends house a few weeks back.

Well that is all for now. I haven't got a lot of time for much of anything. Off to perfect my thesis!

Who would you invite to dinner?

2010-01-08T16:05:00.007-05:00

Mr. William Shakespeare!

I think this is an interesting question and I know it has been done to death.
BUT Honestly who would you?
And don't give the the standard answers like Jesus, Mother Theresa, Einstien (although he might be a hoot!) Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Meryl Streep (she would be fun for sure) Let's narrow down the fields abit. Let's do what I am in interested in, it is my blog and I can do that! Let's say any literary writer alive or not (ok I am Hijaking Andrea again!) I find writers very interesting since I cannot write worth beans I would be able to see them talk to each other and find out how these ideas come to the page. I love the creative genuis. I would add Artists but I think that might be pushing it and then this would become the blog that never ends!

William Faulkner: OK you knew I was going to say that. I love the Sound and the Fury! (now that I have read it with the timelines written out and in context) and I want to know how he wrote the book, how he came up with the concept, and was he drunk a the time! I'm sure he would have a glass or two at my dinner party.

I put this in because it look like the cover of the Sound and the Fury!

Maragaret Atwood: My favorite Canada author for sure. I've seen her interviewed and she is such an insightful woman! I have read many of her her books and have 3 more on my shelf waiting to be read. When I get the time. Although I would be intimidated by her, I think she would be very interesting at dinner converstation.

Tennesse Williams: I love his plays! Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Street Car, Glass Menagerie..etc, Enough said!

Miranda as Laura in The Glass Menagerie

Mark Twain: since he was such a character in real life, I would sit around my table putting up with his cigar smoke, waiting to hear what dribbles from his lips. He would be the comic relief.

And this party would not be complete without Bill.

William Shakespeare: Never wrote an orginal peice of work borrowed from the ancients and used what was out there and made it his own and became a Renaissance Icon! I have read and seen more of his works than anyone on this list!

Puck and Lysander in Midsummer Night's Dream

By the time I graduate I'm sure I will have more to add to this list. More Canadian content would be nice but I have to take the course first. I thought this group would be fun. My apologies to Maragret for being the only living writer on the list!

A dinner Party Chez Sharon with dinner guests that would be interesting. I hope. Let's hope a bar room brawl doesn't break out! And when it happens you are all invited. (and of course I used this Blog as a chance to revisit some of my Photos of these books!)
Now what do I serve?

I'm doing something right.

2010-01-04T15:00:00.007-05:00

My apologies for my rantings and ravings in the last blog.
I didn't need to air my midlife crisis.
But what is done is done. I did learn I am not alone in this and I have great friends, but I already knew that.
BUT,
that is not what this blog is about.
It's about Nathan

My young man has amazed me in the last couple of days.
He is growing up and becoming a young man.
I bought him a DSi for Christmas, besides the snowshoes, I think this is his favorite gift and it has Sudoku on it.
Now I cannot play this game for the life of me. I see numbers and I tend to run screaming from the room or panic.
He has been playing this steady and is good at it. NO scratch that, he is amazing at it.
He never gets one wrong and the only thing he runs out of is time. If it wasn't timed he do it right all the way through. SO why is he failing math at school? I asked and got MOM IT'S BORING! I guess I really can't blame him.
Then when I needed it the most he said to me before bed last night. "Mommy...I have to tell you you are the best MOM in the world, I love you so much, and the prettiest girl I know. I hope to marry a girl just like you!" I know I was not at my best yesterday but it was just what I needed to hear. Now if our husbands could just tell us that once and while we would be good to go.
I hope he keeps it up as a man, he will make some woman very happy indeed.
I love you too, Nathan.

Happy New Year and some resolutions.

2010-01-02T16:24:00.003-05:00

Well it's 2010.
I'm glad to say good bye to 2009. It was a good year at times, but it has also a hard year.
I have not been completely happy.
I cannot put my finger on why I feel this way or what changed but I am not happy with myself or a lot of the things in my life.
I guess a lot has changed so this could be why am I feeling like this.
Midlife?
Maybe.
Stress?
Could be.
Well, we all have stress.
I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time. Like I am one step away from completely loosing it. Some days I feel really, really good about everything.
Menopause?
Could be.
Miranda moving out was a huge one for me and Jack. We both dealt with it in different ways. I had my cry, and let it all out. It took him months to deal with it. We never really talked about it. Even though I did try sometimes he doesn't like to talk.
And a lot my friends have had it worse than me. They have had health issues, marriage issues, sickness, death, and just plain old bad luck. I admire how they have overcome their adversity. Makes me honored to be their friend.
I really have not had any of that.
I really don't have a lot to complain about. I should be happy. Satisfied. Content. I'm not.
I don't feel really good about myself.
I keep a lot of what I am feeling inside. I don't let it out.
When the New Year was coming in, I decided that 2010 was the year to work on me.
Figure out a way to make myself happy, what I need to be happy and then I hope things will fall into place. If not they will have to change.
I am certainly the happiest at school. I love that. That is the ONE thing that is keeping me sane and puts a smile on my face.
I decided I will not spend hours and hours alone like I do now. I realize I spend most of my day alone. Driving, even at school. Not good to be alone quite that much. I'm quite social and now I feel lost in a sea. Jack is really not interested in the same things I am, so talking about art and literature bores him. Just as me watching a Sci Fi movie or show, night after night, sends me out of the room.
I want to loose 20 to 3o lbs, become stronger and healthier. That will help how I feel about myself.
I want the swearing in this house to stop. From Jack right on down to Nathan...yes Nathan can let the F word rip like the best of them. I hate it. I have cleaned up my language, now it is time for the rest.
I want happiness again.
Tall Order?
Maybe.
But life cannot be like this for the next 50 years, can it?
Otherwise the stress will kill me.
I will keep a journal for myself and try to think 5 positive thoughts at the beginning of the day. One about myself, one about Jack, one about Nathan, and one about Miranda and the 5th thing is what is the best thing in my life at the moment. Even if it is that first CUP of COFFEE of the day.
What are your challenges for the 2010?
I have a long road to travel in 2010. I wonder what the year will bring? I wonder I by this time next year will I be happier and healthier?
I guess this is a journey of self-discovery, one that I have to take.

Boxing Day Gift and a PhotoMoment #13

2009-12-27T16:13:00.006-05:00

Some might call it nasty, but to me it was pretty.
Nature at it's best and worst at the same time.
This afternoon it started to melt all away.
I captured a few shots just to share.

As I was posting these shots my son said "Mommy, You took those pictures? "I said yes, he said "You are an artist of photography." NOW that made me smile. ;)

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

2009-12-23T15:13:00.003-05:00

From my home to yours
May you all laugh lots,
And LOVE more
Eat not too much, but enough.
Share something with someone who has not as much
And drink to the good of all and the Health of everyone!
Love to you and yours

Sharon, Jack, Miranda and Nathan!